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May 27, 2013

I hate a liar...

Life has gotten so crazy. It seems the bad luck dam broke & flooded my life. Husband no longer wants to be married. Completely out of the blue. Only reason given, "I'm tired of living a lie." I ask what lie exactly and was told, "That I was happy."

But you know what? I get it. I've been where he is. The shock of it all has me emotional but, rationally, I completely understand. I can almost empathize.

It's hard for me to stay positive. I'm losing so many things I care about and have no control or even choice. For a Leo, that's me, this is akin to cutting off a limb. It's excruciatingly painful.

Like so many times before I'll regroup and carry on. But I worry that the next time, as there seems to always be one, will I be able to regroup? Every time my heart gets broken I lose a piece of myself. How long until there's not enough left?

I've been single before. Hell, I've been divorced more times than most people have been married. One might think this gives me a certain "leg up" dealing with this situation. Indeed it is familiar to me. I do understand the structure of how this works and what needs to be done. However... the emotional toll it takes every.single.time is almost debilitating. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't find happiness in the beauty of everyday as I once did. I'm sad. I feel like the biggest loser on the planet. It scars you so hard.  What does this do to a person who was already jaded?  How does this affect their psyche to be deceived?  Promises believed & broken.  Lies.  All lies. 

Physically & financially... I'll be fine.  It'll suck major ass for a hot minute... but I'll be fine.  Emotionally... I'll never be fine again.

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